I was born November 17th, 1982 to a single mother. My biological father decided I was not his and left my mother after pushing her down the stairs trying to kill me inside her stomach. My mother was sixteen years old when she had me.
We lived with her parents, my grandparents for a little while and then moved to Toronto, Ontario, Canada. We had lived there for a couple of years before moving back to Brampton, Ontario, Canada where I have lived ever since.
My mother for the most part took care of me expect for the first fifteen months of my life where it was my grandmother who was my primary caregiver. She and my mother did not always see eye to eye on what was best for me, so this caused my mother to drop out of high school and take full time care of me.
This would be the biggest mistake she would make. Let us skip forward to the age of four when everything began for my psychical, mental, and emotional abuse. My mother did not know how to raise a child. Nor did she understand what repercussions her upbringing would have on me later in life.
My mother would have wild drinking and drug related parties in our apartment. She would have multiple friends over mostly males who thought it would be okay to get my mother drunk and or high and take advantage of her son in the very next room. From age four to nine I was repeatedly molested by these men and other men who came later. I will not go into a lot of detail as to what they were doing but later in life it caused me to wonder if I was gay or not.
I now in older life constantly have extremely bad flashbacks about those nights which causes me to forget who I am and at what age I am. My wife has told me I act out like a child and even talk like one. It is pretty fucked up to not remember who you are for a while. Dealing with flashbacks and PTSD sucks ass and I have many triggers in which I have been unable to figure out how to control them.
From age seven till about sixteen is where all the psychical, mental, and emotional abuse came in. I was literally beaten with everything you can imagine. I would miss days upon days of school, and no one cared on why I was not there. My mother always had a way of cover her ass so no one would see the bruises and marks left on my body. My mother would tell me I worthless and that I would never amount to anything in life. She also told me many times that she gave me life and that she could easily take it from me. At nine years old was the very first time I tried to take my own life, by hanging myself out the eighteen-story window of our apartment. She ended up finding me and pulling me back in and after being help she told me I was a stupid child for doing such a thing.
I know my words may not sound as thou I had it as bad as I say I did, but I assure you there is so much more I can tell you. Please understand that it is and has always been extremely hard for me to talk about these kinds of thing due to it causing me serious mental break downs and want to harm myself to the point of death. I feel giving a general overview of my life story should be more then enough to let you all know that I have been through a lot.
A lot of the therapists I have been to have always told me its not my fault. However, I feel otherwise and do not know how to not feel like its my fault. To be perfectly honest with you all, I have tried to become a better person and believe I have to some extent. However, I still lack a huge amount of confidence in myself to accomplish things. I find it overly hard to complete tasks, even simple ones. I will do my best at trying to post on the website every single day and to make videos every single day but can never promise anything or anyone anything.
Anyway, I hope this helps you all to understand me and my story a bit better. If you have any questions please leave a comment below and I will do my best to answer them.
Love to all of you.
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