Hello, I know that it has been a long time since I have made a post on the website. I have been struggling with a lot of things in the last number of weeks and or months. Some of what I am about to right maybe a trigger for others and if this is the case I am very sorry and would ask that you stop reading right now because what I am about to speak about are my attempts at trying to end my life.
About a week ago I decided that life was not worth living. So, I decided to take a handful of pills that were deadly in large amounts. I did not care or think about how my family would react to this because my mind was floating elsewhere at the time and all I could think about was ending my life. This is not my first attempt either, to be honest.
When it really comes down to the nitty-gritty of things this would be the 30th time I have tried to end it all in my 37 years of life. I am not saying this to be proud of it, nor am I trying to gain your symphony. Rather I am letting you know that when people with depression and mental illness start withdrawing from the family and life that is a sign of things to come.
When the person stops talking or interacting with you or family, there is a problem. We do not know how to control our thoughts at times. So, we self isolate and let our thoughts get the better of us. This is not a good or wise thing to do as this can start leading to thoughts of suicide and self-harm.
Anyway back to what I was saying about myself. So, I was recently in the hospital for trying to end my life by swallowing a large number of pills. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and my stomach was pumped to try and remove all the medication I had taken. The Doctors work fast and hard to get it out of my system by giving me medication to make me throw up, etc. On the other hand, I had an IV in giving me fluids so I would not dehydrate.
During my time in the hospital I was able to get re-diagnosed and what I found out shocked the hell out of me. So not only do I have bipolar type 2 with Psychotic episodes, Suicidal depression, PTSD, Anxiety and Panic disorder, OCD, BPD, DID, ADHD, learning disability but now they are saying I have a rare form of schizophrenia which is impacting my life even more then it was before. The voices in my head and the things I see I wish on no one ever. Not even my worst of enemies.
I find that during the months of September to March is when shit goes really bad for me when it comes to things going dark in my head. I also find I get bad head pains to the point of passing out. I also suffer from something the doctors call Blackouts, where I forget who I am and lose all reality of what is going on around me at the time. My wife has one hell of time trying to control me and it scares her to the point of tears.
The blackouts I have had for a long time and I find that these are more frequent than I would like them to be. I know that my wife has been so scared to the point of needing to call the police and or ambulance to get me to the hospital. The rare form of schizophrenia I have as I said came as a big surprize to me. I am trying to learn more about it, but it is difficult to read and understand because of what it does to my mind and thoughts.
Mental Illness sucks and there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried counselling, CBT, and so forth and I still get trapped into my thoughts and when that happens things go dark very quick. I know a lot of people will say that mental illness can be beat but when you have it as bad as me I tend to doubt that very much.
I have also tried Meditation and found it to be helpful to some degree but not completely. I would have to say if with all the medications I am on you would think it would help me but no. I feel I am doomed to suffer from mental illness for the rest of my life and be on medication for the rest of my life.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.